Saturday, August 2, 2008

The Marriage of Fantomas

[The Madhouse has been decorated with jungle vegetation suitable for the occasion. There is a festive air of loving hearts joined in love's name. The long expected union is about to be sanctified].

"Dearly Beloved,


We are gathered here today, in the presence of this company, so that Fantomas may at long last become a man in the fullest sense of the word, and that love, which knows no impediment, may claim its rightful prize. Love does not fear adversity because it knows itself to be stronger than adversity, and knows, too, that its claims are foreordained by Heaven. So I say to you that this is no happenstance; no accident; no aberration. Nay and a thousand times nay. It is Mater Natura that has framed this hour according to her inscrutable laws. Man and gorilla, proud and ancient bloodlines, descended from a common ancestor, and destined, perhaps, to sire a common progeny! Here, in this place and at this time, is history made. Man and simian, simian and man, fulfill their historic destiny and become one! For where gorilla came closest to man, and man closest to gorilla, there did love bridge the breech. Long did man wonder what was the common link. Look! here is the common link! and it belongs not to yesterday but to today!

One among us here, even more than fantomas, has dreamt of this hour, caressed it in her bosom since first she rocked him there. It is fantomas' 106-year-old Tía Tecla, who took no "jubilation" at age 65, but spent the next 40 years looking after her little "cebolla." She worked scouring floors and starching shirt collars and does so to this day so that fantomas should never have to exert body or mind on his own behalf. Hers is this hour as all her waking hours belong to him! Stand up, blessed hoary dame, if you can, and receive our recognition and thanks! [She struggles to her feet with the aid of Chichi, fantomas' first girlfriend, a mere chimpanzee of a girl. Uproarious applause].

And there are other people here who have meant much to fantomas in his life. There, sitting together, and loving every minute of it as if they wished they had lived in our times, are the ghosts of fantomas' dead mentors, Eddie Chibás and Frank País. Will you not both float over us and give us your benediction? No guns or bombs please. Save that for the fireworks after the wedding.

Fantomas best friend, his "nigga," as he proudly calls himself, is also here. Henry, erstwhile conductor, economist and diviner of dark mysteries, who did not see this coming in the prophecies of Nostradamus Dorschner, is with us today; and not only Henry but all the gang from Babalú who booted him from their blog but not from their hearts. George is standing on his seat, not wishing to miss the least detail of this historic day. And Val, the Founding Father of Babalú, appears to be overcome with emotion (as one would expect), as he holds in both hands the dead chickens and coconuts that he has brought as an offering for the nuptial table.

Occupying more than half the hall are those who know him best, his fears and calamities, his hopes and disappointments, his attempts and his failures: the delegation from RCAB, luminaries of thought and action, who have been fantomas' confessors, advisers and occasional flagellants. It is they who have emboldened him, encouraged and delivered him from a barren existence and brought him here today: Vana and Agustín, Ms. Calabaza and Serafín, and Angel. There is another who has been in an intellectual sense what Tía Tecla has been to fantomas in an intestinal one. He has fed fantomas' famished mind, and if his mind is still no match for his body, at least, it has stretched beyond anyone's imagination before finally popping. (Laughter) Yes, many things will be popping tonight. (More laughter) This noble gentleman forbids that his name be mentioned here today, disclaiming all cults of personality and, indeed, all responsibility for anything that fantomas may become or do in the future. Seriously.

But wait! There he is! Virtue's last reliquary, virgin in body and mind, and now King Kong's betrothed and soon to be wife."

Wearing half the lace in the world on his wedding gown, his 40 stone (560 lbs) looking no more than 39 (546 lbs), fantomas appears demure inside the encroaching shadow of his 2 tonne groom.

The Gay Mens Choir of Puerto Rico sings "Love Changes Everything" as bride and groom prepare to pledge their lives to each other for eternity.

"If there be any man or gorilla who shall object to this wedding led him speak now or forever hold his peace"

Then, suddenly: "Stop!"

The word, though only one syllable, resonates though the building as if uttered by a thousand voices. Everybody turns his neck to see who had spoken it but no one is in view. Visible panic can be read on the faces of many of the assembled. Fantomas' own face, as might be expected, is a study in anxious perplexity; but that is hardly out of the ordinary.

"I object!" Again that voice which seems to emanate from the ether.

"Present yourself and make your reasons known," answered the minister.

"You can't see me but I am here. I am King Kong's first love. It was to me that he is bound for all time."

King Kong's eyes are popping out and his ears seem literally to swallow every word with an immemorial hunger. Can it be her, after all these years? The tears are gathering in his eyes. That voice! That voice!

"Yes, it is I, beloved, come from the very bowels of the earth to claim you as mine. When we were young the world stood in arms against our love. But now the world cannot bind me. I am free of its shackles at last and seek shelter in your strong arms again. Come with me, my love, let us fulfill the promise of our youth and make the world go away!"

King Kong speaking in the sign language that he learned as a young gorilla:

"That love is a memory dear to me but impossible to recapture. If you had limbs they would be cold while fantomas' are warm and beckoning. Be gone, if you once loved me, and cloud not my present happiness with shadows of yesterday. Adieu."

King Kong's declaration is greeted with applause and tears. Fantomas is glowing with pride and perspiration. He knows now that King Kong's love for him surpasses that which he once felt for that skinny-assed harpy that once vamped him. Yes, King Kong is truly his; the past has no hold on him; and even angels or devils from other regions cannot tempt him with their wormy virginity. It is only his wormy virginity that King Kong wants.

The ceremony recommences with the solemn vows that seal their union, each to the other pledging their love and constancy for as long as they both shall live. The exchange of rings is particularly memorable; their rings, indeed, had to be forged by a blacksmith and though open-ended were still a little tight. King Kong posed for a moment not knowing on which of the eight fingers of fantomas' right hand to place the ring, settling finally on the pinky as the point of least resistance.

They kiss as bidden, and such is King Kong's fervor that he bites off fantomas' lips and part of his tongue. Fortunately, fantomas is doubled-lipped and has a forked-tongue besides. The spectators are much amused at this incident, just another of those little adjustments that the newlyweds will have to make if they are going to make a go of their singular marriage.

The final blessing is given and the holy water sprinkled upon them.

And then...

Oh, Fortuna, how carelessly thou snips the threads that bind us to each other!

Continued next week...

89 comments:

Vana said...

Manuel:

What a great storyteller you are, you gave me a good laugh, I was mistaken thought fantomas would be the bride..lol..but I see it's dear King Kong who is trully the female of the species, ah what a glorious wedding we shall have tomorrow.

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

vana:

Fantomas is the bride. But we refer to the bride in masculine pronouns because this is a special kind of wedding ceremony. The service is being officiated by an Anglican priest.

Ms Calabaza said...

MaT,

this is a classic.

Vana - you can't go bad with "the little black cocktail dress" . . .

I'm wearing the my red one and I'm bringing my famous ensalada de pollo, cangrejitos y croquetas ... Can't wait!

Ms Calabaza said...

do ya think we can have the band play Y-M-C-A at the reception?

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

ms. calabaza:

Yes, the band will play YMCA loud and continually. We would not wish to hear fantomas' screams from the bridal suite. Nor King Kong's, for that matter.

Centurion said...

Manuel seria usted tan amable de traducir ese mamotetro que usted acaba de escribir ahi. Lo unico que entendi es que mañana hay una boda entre un simio y Vana que se piensa poner un pequeño vestido negro de coctel
Por favor traduzca, traduzca que somos muchos los que nos queremos enterar

Ms Calabaza said...

I hear Fantomas can really do the macarena . . . AND the electric slide. But his favorite is the hokey pokey ...

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

ms. calabaza:

I'm sorry to say that fantomas stole all the delicacies that you were so kind as to bring for the wedding banquet. I'm afraid that we may have to do with Val's dead chickens and coconuts as the caterer caught sight of King Kong and drove off in a panic.

Centurion said...

Fantomas dijo que se iba para la playa y asi fue. Tiene el video en su blog de lo que acontecio en la playa el Cayito. A ver si alguien lo identifica bailando la macareana como dice la calabaza.

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

vana & ms. calabaza:

I am still not sure that fantomas knows his duty tonight. Would you be so kind as to let him know in the most circumstantial manner? We don't want to frighten him but neither do we want him to be caught completely by surprise.

Centurion said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhYz6YXjdRU

Video in question

la voz de raul said...

Wasn't I invited?

mariela castro said...

I was, daddy.

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

It is all in good fun. We don't mean any harm to Fantomas. He is an integral part of this blog and its success

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

ms. calabaza:

We must be careful that fantomas does not dance the night away.

Peluquero de fantomas said...

A que hora empieza la boda Manuel, tengo que pasarle el blower y hacerle las uñas

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

ANNOUNCEMENT:

When a comment appears under my name but without the orange blogger logo, it is fantomas who has hijacked my moniker.

Fotografo de la boda said...

You Tube videos will be available 1hour after the ceremony

fantomas' bikini line waxer said...

Oh my!

Fantomas Dance teacher said...

Practice is over, time to deliver Fanto "Johnny" Travolta

Ms Calabaza said...

Mat,

"I am still not sure that fantomas knows his duty tonight. Would you be so kind as to let him know in the most circumstantial manner?" ...

MaT, I'd like to help but I think this is something the best man needs to do. You know what I mean?

You're right though, we can't have Fanto dance too much or he will be worn out for his wedding night. Not a good omen in simian society, I hear.

voz de raul said...

Will a video be filmed in the boudoir?

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

ms. calabaza:

Ordinarily, you would be correct. But fantomas's "duty" is more reactive than active if you get what I mean.

Fantomas main plumber said...

Will a video be filmed in the boudoir?

I have a rare Fantomas video clip using the bidet

A bidet is a low-mounted plumbing fixture or type of sink intended for washing the genitalia, inner buttocks, and anus

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

voz de raúl:

Yes, the proceedings in the boudoir will be recorded by National Geographic.

(We had to break even somewhere).

Pee Censor Detector said...

Manuel when you pee in the bathroom do you stand up or do you sit down in the toilet or bidet

Ms Calabaza said...

MaT,

oh, I see what you mean ... Sheesh, this will be a tough assignment. Are you sure he's not already proficient in this type of endeavor? He doesn't appear to be very innocent or naive with regard to speaking about those matters. But then again, we're talking Simian this time .... ooo-la-la! A different dimention in time and space . . . Let me discuss this with Vana . . .

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

I have a rare Fantomas video clip using the bidet.

A bidet is a low-mounted plumbing fixture or type of sink intended for washing the genitalia, inner buttocks, and anus
fantomas' main plumber

That is very valuable. There was no proof before that fantomas was toilet trained.

Anonymous said...

That is very valuable. There was no prove before that fantomas was toilet trained.

Manuel are you bidet trained

How do you like the water up the anus cold or hot

Mike Bataglia , Jersey City said...

Manuel if you are past 40 , you should have your colon screening test at least once a year. I know a cuban Urologo Doc in Jersey that " has good hands" and big fingers too

Martiano de la calle 37 said...

Manuel, you should leave your tenement in Union City a bit more often. The stale air in your little room is beginning to affect you. This piece may be your minor masterpiece, though, the legacy of a unique artist.

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

mike:

I think you should worry more about fantomas' colon. He may soon need a transplant.

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

martiano:

Who is the "great artist?"

Fantomas or me?

Anonymous said...

Manuel A.Tellechea said...
martiano:

Who is the "great artist?"

Fantomas or me?

8/02/2008 11:25 PM



Fantomas is the greatest

mischief-maker in the history of Cuban-American blogging

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

No argument there.

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

fantomas:

So you are now a performance artist?

Well, your best performance is coming up.

Vana said...

LMAO..I don't know how I will get trough tomorrow without having a laughing fit, is the honeymoon suite ready for the lovers? guess I'll have to make my famous arroz con pollo, but we must not forget the bananas for the bride and groom, we don't want them tearing down The Madhouse from sheer hunger.

Vana said...

Manuel:

Do you think the sex change operation we performed on fantomas last year will hold up? King Kong does look pretty hefty and burly..lol.. also he does have stumps for legs, hope the groom does not run for his life upon gazing at her nakedness.

Anonymous said...

Manuel, who is Fantomas nigga?

Vana said...

anon 12:15

I imagine that would be King Kong.

Good night all see you at the wedding.

la voz de raul said...

I was the first to marry a gorilla.

la voz de mariela said...

Papi, don't you mean a guerrilla?

la voz de raul said...

Hija, he dicho.

Agustin Farinas said...

Someone said:
Fantomas is the greatest

mischief-maker in the history of Cuban-American blogging
Wrong. Fantomas is the greatest asshole in the web, therefore it should be no wonder he is marrying King KOng. He has got an anal fixation with RCAB.

Vana said...

Agustin:

That's fantomas who said it, only he would think himself as the gratest.

Vana said...

Manuel:

What time does the ceremony begin?

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

Vana:

The ceremony resumes at 3:00 PM (Eastern Time). There will be shocking revelations. Characters like Fantomas and King Kong carry a lot of baggage and some of it may just split open at an inopportune time.

G2 guanabacoa said...

Manuel you got nothing on Fantomas, I challenge you to chivatearlo same way Humberto/ Kill Castro and Charlie Bravo, Val Prieto operates
Wedding is off, Fantomas escaped the Madhouse in the middle of the night. Rumor has it Agustin Fariñas led the escape

Anonymous said...

Fantomas is so clean , he sparkles when he walks

Vana said...

WEDDING HAS BEEN CALLED
TUNE IN LATER ON
MORE DETAILS TO COME

Anonymous said...

Agustin:

That's fantomas who said it, only he would think himself as the gratest.

a new vanaism

rin tin tin said...

Manuel when was the last time you wrote a constructive post about how to get rid of the Castro bro
It seems you are infatuated with things that are less relevant when it comes to helping the cause
Discuss

I heard the wedding is off, too bad

Vana said...

WARNING: The Vana with the red B is me there is an impostor Vana in here.

Vana said...

Manuel:

Shocking revelations? oh my how exciting cannot wait until the ceremony!!!

Anonymous said...

Has anyone seen Alex Hernandez el patico toy boy de NY lately
Manuel did you invite him to the wedding

Anonymous said...

Vana he is bluffing

He is got noting on the Mischief one , the greatest Fantasma

Anonymous said...

kill castro/ aka HUMBERTO , Charlie bravo= CHIVATOS

Vana said...

Val Y Fantomas CHIVATOS

Anonymous said...

No Vana , Fantasmas JAMAS ha chivateado a nadie
No hay pruebas , buscalas que no la encontraras JAMAS

friend of the mischief Exepcional said...

Fantomas is the life and blog of this blog
Indiscutiblemente, proven today
Manuel ypu should thank him eternally , he has put you in the map
You owe him BIG real big

HUMBERTO BRAVO said...

I will get you fantomas , you are a fucking communistic worn

Anonymous said...

By the way where are Kill Castro y Charlie Bravo, is the blog still censored
Cobardes

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

The wedding has not been cancelled. Do you not see that it is already underway?

Mr Magoo said...

Manuel nobody showed up at the wedding parlor
Waste of time
Fantomas escaped last night. They call him Houdini now. The Madhouse guards did not see a thing

Vana said...

Manuel will the wedding take place here, The Madhouse or it's Annex?

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

ANNOUNCEMENT:

King Kong has soiled himself. The wedding is temporarily delayed while his pampers are changed.

la voz de raul said...

Big pampers!

Vana said...

Lmao..who's changing his diaper the bride fantomas?

El Cura de la Boda said...

The Wedding is off

Vana said...

doe it take soooo long to change the groom's pamper, or did he soil himself again?

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

vana:

The problem is getting everything back into the pampers.

Vana said...

Manuel:

I see, am sure it's not easy, too much there..lol

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

Who is the mysterious stranger who has just interrupted fantomas' wedding?

Continue reading...

Anonymous said...

It is Humberto

Anonymous said...

Magilla Gorilla?

Ms Calabaza said...

MaT,
I missed the wedding ~ was called in to work today! How did it go?

Vana said...

Could it be Fay? lol

Batistiano for Batista said...

Wedding has been called off by Fidel castro himself

Manuel please report to Havana

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

ms. calabaza:

The wedding is still in progress and has reached a critical juncture.

Anonymous said...

Fantomas is not in the ceremony , he is commenting on fidel's Edmonton post

wedding fiasco said...

Manuel como wedding planner te llevas una F. Stick to translation de los poemas hindues de Jose Marti o pasaras hambre

Estas peor que Jennifer Lopez como wedding planner

Remember in order to have a great wedding YOU MUST FIRST OF ALL , SECURE THE GROOM

Vana said...

are we in the honeymoon phase now?

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

fantomas:

One who has been "always a bridesmaid never a bride" would not pass up this opportunity to be the center of attention.

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

Vana:

Not yet, and we may have to throw the curtain of modesty over those proceedings in order not to offend our more conservative readers. For the others, a video will be available for sale shortly.

Vana said...

Honemoon video of fanto and King Kong, cannot wait to view it, yes you are right we don't want to offend anyone.

Vana said...

Manuel:

Has the marriage been consumated yet?..lol..

Manuel A.Tellechea said...

Vana:

Yes, fantomas has been quite "consumed." The whole story next Sunday.

Vana said...

Manuel:

Ahh to ne continued....what no coming attractions?..lol

Fantomas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.